Being Nice To People: Do You Really Have To Be Nice To Everyone? Is It Worth The Headache?
As an entrepreneur, I have long believed that being nice to people is an absolute virtue. I would tell the waitress that my meal was very good even when I found it truly mediocre.
During my first entrepreneurial adventure, I treated my team like family. I tried to avoid conflict as much as possible and I gave freely. Rarely I said what I truly thought out of fear of hurting others or being seen as a bad leader.
However, being kind at all costs often means choosing short-term comfort over courage. It means avoiding telling an employee they don’t belong. In addition, it means sidestepping difficult but necessary feedback. It means letting a situation fester rather than taking decisive action.
And that’s not leadership. That’s avoidance. Because being nice isn’t always about being good. Sometimes it’s just about not having the courage to be honest.
The Kindness Trap in Business
One of the signs of kindness is often being helpful. As a result, some people will become unable to say no.
Another thing I’ve learned is that saying yes to everyone is often saying no to yourself.
I also learned that trying too hard to please opens the door wide to manipulators, opportunists, and professional parasites.
People who call themselves “nice” don’t always want to help. They want to be liked. They want to be thought of as good. And that’s where it gets dangerous. Because when your identity depends on what others think of you, you become manipulable.
In the business world, this isn’t an advantage. When you want to be liked by everyone, you avoid conflict. You tolerate incompetence and accept compromises that don’t make sense. You keep people on your team or in your entourage who no longer belong. This type of “niceness” validates ideas you know are bad. Why? Just so you don’t look like the bad guy.
In the end, it’s not kindness, it’s the best way to fail.
A lesson learned the hard way.
I needed to regain confidence after selling my agency. I was given a restructuring mandate at a struggling online training company. The company had no choice. It had to cut staff by more than 60% to survive. This was immediately after I arrived as the new president. As a result, I was paralyzed.
I thought that if I carried out these layoffs, my image among employees would be horrible. That I would appear to be the completely detached villain who enjoyed cleaning up.
I understood that the role of a leader is not to protect everyone at all costs. It was to do what is necessary to keep the organization going. Yes, I was seen as the bad guy. But the company survived. It became profitable, self-sufficient, and healthier than ever. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for others is to stop being “nice.”
Better to be direct than in denial
Over time, I’ve also learned that there’s nothing mean about telling the truth. Setting boundaries, saying no, breaking off a collaboration that’s no longer working, and owning up to what you think isn’t being mean; it’s necessary. And in the business world, clarity is an advanced form of respect. It’s often those we’re trying to spare who end up criticizing us for our lack of candor.
The truth is, “nice guys” often lie unintentionally. They avoid difficult conversations and let projects they no longer believe in languish. They maintain long-dead agreements so as not to offend sensibilities. However, by constantly avoiding the real issues, they fuel silent tensions that always end up exploding.
Honesty may be shocking at the time, but it protects long-term relationships. Denial protects no one.
Who is selfish?
The so-called “bad guy,” the one who tells you straight up that it’s not working, that your file doesn’t interest him, or that he doesn’t believe in your project, may be hard to swallow… but he respected you.
He didn’t waste your time.
He didn’t use you to feel important.
Conversely, the “nice guy” who accepts everything, smiles at everything, but accumulates frustrations, contradictions, and unspoken words is often the one who will explode without warning. Or worse, have used you to validate themselves.
True leadership does not seek approval.
What I’ve come to understand over the years is that the leaders who truly inspire me aren’t the ones trying to be liked. They’re the ones who are deeply consistent.
